Denise Richards: It’s Abysmalon March 12, 2010 at 3:15 am
For those of you unfamiliar with the movie mentioned in today‘s strip, 1998’s Wild Things is a thrilling mystery, filled with greed, betrayal, murder, and sex. It features two of the most impressive “up-and-coming” starlets to grace Hollywood in the late 90’s, Neve Campbell and Denise Richards. It still holds a box-office record and is considered to be a cult classic by many movie aficionados. Wild Things is, simply, a triumph of American cinema.
Now that I’ve set the stage, let me take a moment to point out that the previous paragraph consists almost entirely of lies. Wild Things is not a good film. Wild Things is to thrilling mystery what Scooby Doo is to C. Auguste Dupin. The most successful subsequent films of Ms. Campbell and Ms. Richards are Scream 3 and The World is Not Enough, respectively. Wild Things does hold a box office record, but that record is for being the 64th highest grossing movie of 1998, a year in which Michael Bay’s Armageddon took top honors. And while I must acknowledge that Wild Things has maintained a surprisingly large fan base over the last decade, I’m compelled to point out that this following is due in no small part to the fact that portions of the film feature a topless Denise Richards kissing Neve Campbell. Wild Things also stars Matt Dillon, Kevin Bacon, and Bill Murray, who I assume must have desperately needed money to cover a series of crippling gambling losses, but I digress.
Given that Wild Things is basically a bloated heap of awfulness concealed behind some breasts and lesbian kisses, you’re probably asking, “Why did you write a comic about it?” The answer to that question is Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. I recently overheard a co-worker mention that Denise had her own television show and was completely gobsmacked.
“Surely, no right-minded network executive would devote an entire show to Denise Richards,” I said to myself. “Only the starkest of raving madmen would consider such an atrocity a good idea. This is a woman who, in a single film, was blown off screen by Casper Van Dien, Jake Busey, and Rue McClanahan. For crying out loud, she starred as a nuclear physicist in a James Bond movie and mispronounced the word nuclear! A just and loving God would not allow such an abomination.”
Having convinced myself that either I had misheard or was the victim of an elaborate prank perpetrated by my co-worker, I quickly launched my web browser to investigate. A split-second later (.31 seconds exactly, according to Google), the Internet destroyed my gloriously fleeting hope. There it was on my monitor, a floating blue hyper-link confirming that the universe is an unimaginably cruel and twisted place. “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated — the Reality Show. Visit us at E! Online,” the hyper-link gushed. It helpfully offered to show me video clips and interviews, so I’d have absolutely no doubt that God hates me. I was left with two options: live in a world deranged beyond all measure, overseen by a supreme being who obviously bears a grudge against me, or get a belt and hang myself in the closet.
A wise man quickly would have sought out a sturdy strap of leather; instead, I grabbed my lance, saddled my horse, and sallied forth to tilt the windmill. I’d not sit idly by and allow something as foul and unwholesome as Denise Richards: It’s Complicated to pollute the world unchallenged. And although I could never hurt the universe the way it had hurt me, I could take petty revenge upon its agent. I’d look creation square in the eye, spit in its mouth, and tell it exactly what I thought of Ms. Denise Richards. I sat down, put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be), and produced a work of pure and intoxicating catharsis. I hope you enjoyed it.